Night Sky

The grassy ground expands out from beneath my body until it meets the star lit sky. And the dome of the sky above me reminds me that there is nothing at the moment that needs to be done. There are millions of stars shining at first glance. But as my eyes adjust I notice there are a million more beyond that. The longer I stare the more stars I see, adding a whole new meaning to ‘as far as the eye can see.’ Why have I always found comfort in how small and irrelevant this makes me feel? There is no sensation of fear. Just a pure and utter oblivion felt while being reminded of my insignificance and the insignificance of all the feelings, thoughts, places, and people that hunt me. 

Pinterest: Touching the stars

The truth settles in that there really is no ‘me’ at all. The infinity that expands beyond my body, from the air on my skin that thins as it ascends up into a vacuum of planets, solar systems, and galaxies, is equivalent, yet opposite, to the infinity that condenses within me, of organs, cells, elements, and matter. My mind, a mere trick of nature. My emotions and moods, composed by the placement of cells and chemicals in my brain. And like an eclipse, or a meteor shower, I might feel awe or anger. 

As my oblivion fades into awareness of the here and now and before and after, I am instantly swept away in a stream of thoughts. Mostly of the times I laid in this same spot before, alongside someone. Or how I will lay in this same spot again with someone new. The guilt and shame and ecstasy accompanied by these memories of the past, and predictions of the future, tie me neatly to the human reality. A reality of intentions and false concepts of control. But there really is none, is there?

In actuality I know life is simply happening to us. We have little to no control over how it all happens. And yet at times I feel regret for how things happened between us. Because on a planet approximately 10 light years away it appears as if I am still lying here with you. All the things playing out before the eyes of those extraterrestrial neighbors would never happen the way it will if I was truly in control. And let me tell you how I know. Because like math and science all of our decisions are made with assumptions of how the matter around us will react. Because we are not in nature, we are of nature. If I knew what I know now, or if maybe I had awareness of all things then I would know how to keep you, but also then, ironically, I would know how to lose you, as you were only a figment of my imagination created by me. You are not actually what I projected onto you. Not anymore at least. And never again will you be because I have released you, or what I made of you, back to the stars. The same way I am releasing these thoughts to this document and this document to the internet. I release you.  

And now the reader wonders who is she talking about? Well the answer is all the people I have lost. So many people I lost to my own stupidity. I say it like that knowing I will come off as a victim to something, even if that something is myself. But, as I said, I know there is no self and there is no control so I know all that I have lost was never mine to lose. Or I know it was of nature for us to go on without awareness of one another and in truth that doesn’t bother me none. Not anymore. 

I quickly discovered any resistance I apply against nature's destiny will erode the matter of which I am composed. So only when I am under the stars like this do I ever become aware of you. And I find benefits in taking time to acknowledge your existence as it was and as it is now. 

I hope you are well in the deepest parts of your thoughts. As seen in the infinity of the sky above, I am with you always. 

Forever and never yours