How it begins…
The fall season always had a way of reminding me of home. It’s like an extended sun set of a year long summer day. When I feel the slight chill in the air something tells me, “Go home. Go where you belong now.”
Most years I would spend the summer in a state of exploration, breaking things just to see what they were made of. This year was different. Like any other animal, I found myself within the second half of my life cycle. In the first stage of life, one loves a good surprise. In the second stage of life, one would prefer to know ahead of time. Surprises become expensive to your wealth, health, and security. All things you spend the first stage of life learning to appreciate and protect.
I was never one to resist the natural order of things. And with that I easily allowed myself to transition into what was destined for all living things. Without a second thought, I followed my instincts that told me to build, in place of the old urge to explore… and destroy. I began to build a home… with another.
The attempt…
I discarded most caution accrued from my years of exploration. I put make up over the scars and bruises on my mind and heart. I deemed my intuition useless because there seemed no way to accomplish the natural order of things while wisdom was at play.
It all worked like a charm. For months things seemed perfect, or maybe just... not so bad. There was an addicting feeling of completeness that kept the whole system in motion. For a moment, without wisdom, I swore I tasted Eden. All the ripe fruits and scents that only a sacred place could possess.
But as the original story goes, I, as the 'Eve' of this sacred place, grew thoughtful and curious. It became unbearably obvious, that the whole place was an illusion. As it was built on nothing and had no beginning in which I could recall. And like my womb, my suspicions grew by the day as to how I had even arrived in this place. Or how just as easily it had all come, it would go. What would I do then?
What is a person to do in such an ache for knowledge, disguising an ache for security? What would you have done?
It wasn’t long before the images began to glitch before my very eyes. The trees, the fruits, the colors of it all grew dim and then bright again as if being adjusted by some creator I couldn’t see. Or maybe the creator was me. And which came first, my fear or the system’s decomposition, I could never be sure.
I wasn’t positive of anything. I told myself that is how it had to be for as long as I could bare it, and that wasn’t very long after I felt the chill in the air. I knew then I was amidst a lesson for all baring creatures alike. I knew then a death was near. A death of security. As this is what the world demands in exchange for a woman to bare her greatest gift. So with the natural order of things, I packed up all I loved for as long as I could remember, as the beginning remained a thing I could never recall.
Once all I knew was packaged neatly in boxes and bags, the creator revealed himself to me. The illusion around me faded entirely. No more trees, no more fruits, no more garden at all. Within an instant, my suspicions deemed themselves true and the knowledge of all my life, before now, returned to me. I was awake.
The second stage of life…
There was me and there was an empty room with only a crib. There were windows on two of the walls. I saw I had returned to the place in which last I had intuition, as if returning from a vacation that lasted too long.
I felt angry. I felt tricked. Where was I before? And why had the creator of that place given me only illusion, even when my suspensions would grow? He was watching my movements when I was not aware. He was crafting lies perfect for only my eyes with the knowledge he gained from my movement.
And then the answer to all my grief revealed itself with a tugging of my skin that came from a movement of something within…
I looked down to find my greatest gift in me. With every kick I would lose concern for the lies, for the deciet. As I was now sure without those lies would be no gift.
A home is not built, it is grown
The origin of all life is now known
Whether for a moment, a month, or life long
You’ll find yourself in an illusion, like a song
And right when you think everything has gone wrong…
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