The sun came to check on me at around six this morning. Peaking through my window facing west, leaving the room coated in a golden haze.
I recall the pain that followed me to sleep, but it is elsewhere now. All that is left is a rested optimism for the different colors I could paint this new day. Some nights, days, or hours the resentment gets the best of me. But on mornings like this, I am coated in love and forgiveness.
I have built my life a certain way. Every low point is a sacrifice for the high point soon to follow. It’s like I have made friends with my pain. Some strange agreement between pain and I, that if I promise to visit 2 or 3 times a week, I will be graced with a tireless drive to persevere. I’m sure there is some cryptic reasoning as to why staring at the truth of my life awakens the boldest love and confidence. Something about touching rock bottom leaves me laughing at life’s threats to feel fear. After those dark nights of acknoledging the pain and loneliness, all of a sudden no challenge is too great. In this state I am completely free. Something about looking directly at all the times my loved ones have walked away from me in my deepest suffering, laughed at my cries for help, and bestowed judgment when I begged for mercy, leaves me bathing in the truth of my divine. In our divine...
There is a little sinful satisfaction in being the victim. Like calling out sick from work, you get a break from accountability. But the truth is there is absolutely no excuse to bath in vanity for long. I believe in that. So no matter how hard life gets, I wake up and I keep going. I keep running, keep working out, keep working, keep writing, keep contributing my human condition to this world.
I stare at myself because only then can I see the flaws of all humans. The fear we all possess. Our mistakes, like our gifts, coming in all shapes and sizes. I forgive and I embrace. Even after acknowledging my neighbors darkest sins, I wake with the courage to forgive. Understanding my final form is that of knowing the darkness of the world and continuing to emit light…
I am no god to bestow judgment. I add up all my weaknesses and I get the same as my parents and the same as any other. We are all coping with the pains of the human condition and my final form is to recognize that. My final form is to contiue having faith in the good of life, the only emotion to successful defeat the fear. No matter how you have been hurt, neglected, humiliated, never hold on to the pain for too long. Find accountability again and continue putting fourth effort to improve. Let those painful feelings go. Find peace in knowing that this is life and it is happening to all of us, all at once. <3
Justina
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